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Posted by
on Monday, December 26 @ 19:57:24 UTC
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: If I am
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on Monday, December 26 @ 19:57:24 UTC
LostLove writes:: " If I am the lover,
You are the one I love,
If I am looking into heaven,
You are who I see above,
If I happen to end up dead,
You shall carry on my soul,
If I am only half,
You are who makes me whole,
If I am weak and cannot speak,
You would become my voice,
If I had to choose between you and the world,
You would definitely be my choice!! "
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hmmm (Score: 1)
by BodhiTree (burningbright2@aol.com) on Tuesday, December 27 @ 17:22:33 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | its a sweet poem, but I think it's minimalized.
You need to get at the roots of your love, what makes you tick personally and makes this partner of your's so perfect for you. what this person is.
also, its sort of a cliche to do what you did here, by contrasting yourself and this partner of yours. what i think would be instrumental would be to use imagery, metaphor, and anything else to express your emotions. you need this to be a personal poem, one in which it might be better than just a hallmark card greeting.
maybe you arent like me and you just write for the hell of writing, so if that is the case, dont worry about this poem or others.....if you want to be published and have your stuff acclaimed and read then you may want to look at your poetry. I see a trend in the way you write, riming lines and not a lot going on in the poem emotionally.
Dont take this too harshly, I am not writing this to be mean. I just want you to do better.
Nicole |
- Re: hmmm by LostLove on Friday, December 30 @ 19:51:03 UTC
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Average Score: 5
Votes: 1
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