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Posted by
on Tuesday, January 10 @ 20:33:42 UTC
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: Farewell
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on Tuesday, January 10 @ 20:33:42 UTC
Serendipity_13 writes:: " your body laid out, still, silent
your slim figure dressed in uniform
so formal, so inappropriatly replacing
your favorite faded jeans, torn from wear
and your American Eagle Hoodie
your hand-tossled, carefree curls now trimed and neat
looking even darker crowning your silver face
baby fine eyelashes closed
curtaining sharp blue eyes so cleverly dotted with wit
and lined with trust
your beautiful smile faded, misshapen
carelessly hiding the dimples you always bragged about
the quiet sound of sorrow replaces
your plaful laugh
often mistaken for charm
and your words
too often taken for granted
an American flag draped behind you proudly shouts
"It was a fight for the freedom!"
almost mocking what you truly stood for
leaning forward a final kiss is placed upon your lips
leaving behind the taste of memories, bittersweet
with unspoken orders your casket is closed
your body ceremoniously marched to your resting place
a soldier marching off to war
gunshots echo and with a final salute
your body is buried
my heart right there beside you
a tear still upon your cheek
a single rose upon your grave
Farewell Mike Farewell "
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Re: Farewell (Score: 1)
by waterlotus on Friday, January 13 @ 16:24:18 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Not a problem. I think emotionally charged pieces are the best ones. Keep writting, and whats better is keep the ability to revise your work! |
Re: Farewell (Score: 1)
by BodhiTree (burningbright2@aol.com) on Tuesday, January 10 @ 20:50:30 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | I love this, very descriptive and emotional.
I am very sorry that you lost someone so dear, you seem to be on the path of recovery, tho.
keep writing and goodluck
Nicole |
Re: Farewell (Score: 1)
by stormy on Wednesday, January 11 @ 07:02:32 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | Oh my..this is soo heartbreaking...beautifully sad.
The reader could certainly feel the deep emotion of this write. There has been so many innocent lives lost and if this is indeed true, (it seems so sincere) my heart goes out to you, so sorry for your loss. This creates such visual, I cry with you.
Outstanding write.
Peace and Love~ |
Re: Farewell (Score: 1)
by waterlotus on Wednesday, January 11 @ 14:42:54 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | I really liked this it painted a really powerful image. I do have a suggestion to make, please attempt to revise this. I think your poem would be stronger if you didn't make Mike past tense. An example of this is saying, "carelessly hiding the dimples you always brag about." This will more closer link the reader to the person, and show there is a tension in letting him go.
-Just a suggestion, and be no means needs to be heeded. |
- Re: Farewell by Serendipity_13 on Thursday, January 12 @ 20:24:36 UTC
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Poem's Rating
Average Score: 5
Votes: 2
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