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Anger
Posted by on Saturday, January 21 @ 21:25:10 UTC

: Hash Pipe
on Saturday, January 21 @ 21:25:10 UTC
dreameyes writes:: " I'm sittin in my bedroom cutting my arm with a blade
Watching as the flies drink my crimson limonade
I'm draining myself of all the pain I had to endure
For the agony of love is something I can insure
So Death, come on and kiss me
Come on and kiss me
You've got my arms sliced
You've broke my heart twice
You set my heart on fire
My burning desire
You left me out of range and sight
Left my passions envoloped in smoke like a hash pipe


A genie in a bottle couldn't save my soul now
You've dug deep into my emotions so carelessly like a plow
I'm soaking in my misery and going out of my mind
I feel that loving you was just a waste of time
Death, come on and kiss me
Just come on and kiss me
This chain game is the new hype
It'll leave your head veiled in smoke like a hash pipe "


 
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Re: Hash Pipe (Score: 1)
by waterlotus on Tuesday, January 24 @ 17:44:40 UTC
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I think your poem would have a better impact if you revised it and took out a lot of the un-needed words. An example of this "You've dug deep into my emotion so carelessly like a plow," maybe consider this type of wording, "Youv'e deeply plowed your carelessness through my emotions. I know that isn't the exact feeling of the lines, but I think that less is more in most poetry.


 
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