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More Previous Poetry
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Posted by
on Tuesday, July 20 @ 05:39:42 UTC
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: untitled
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on Tuesday, July 20 @ 05:39:42 UTC
perv writes:: " 'You have a way with beauty
A quality of self-deception'
I drank the wine she gave me
And slipped out the door
Pulling my collar around my ears like a fog.
I glided down the empty street
And smoked against the gilded plinth
Dwelling on the ignonimity of retreat
Constructing myself a labyrinth
Trapped inexorably
Like a sacrificed pawn
In the enigma
Of my soul, reborn
I threw a pouch of silver coins
Which spilt like petals at your feet
Lolita, fire of my loins
Bound in your chains of deceit "
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Anonymous visitors are not allowed to comment - please register a Paradox Passport |
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Re: untitled (Score: 1)
by angelkisss143 on Tuesday, August 03 @ 20:39:33 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | I've read your comments of other peoples poetry and frankly you are not very nice, the point of this site is to CRITIQUE their work and help them become Better Poets... you can't expect someone to get better if you only KNOCK them down, I suggest that you give at least One good thing about each poem, before you rip it apart... maybe then you wouldn't feel like... "A great wrecked Ship...." Just a suggestion...and though you are mean, I’d like some of your input on my poetry....for example:
The Storm...
Lightning flashes, showing its veins, it’s
blinding yet breath taking.
It lights up the sky, the way you light
up my life.
Seconds later, the thunder rolls, making
my heart beat fast
Like the way it beats when I hear your
voice and when I look into your eyes.
The clouds rolling over the land look like
great waves of emptiness
That I have overcome because I
have found you.
I am here in your arms, watching
the Storm
My tears are falling, almost as fast and
as hard as the rain
Hold me tight…tighter…don’t ever
let me go.
The water is rising in the river, and it
is full of emotions.
I am caught up in the current
it’s pulling me under
Hold my hand you are my life
boat…Rescue me
The lightning flashes...the thunder roars
my heart’s beating fast…
Now the Storm is over…Hold me tighter.
I love "Corrective Criticism" and your comments would be appreciated...
Thank you……
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Re: untitled (Score: 1)
by perv (pervoe@thepowerofomnipotence.com) on Wednesday, August 04 @ 06:16:14 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) http://thepowerofomnipotence.com | i would be pleased to give a positive response to poetry. I mark creative writing exams for the people under 18 so i frequently have to be constructive honstly cannot find anything good to say about very much of it and i stand by all of my remarks no matter how harsh you find them.
moreover, your writing, from the example you have provided me, provides us with an interesting approach to versification and syntax but how does this effect the meaning?, what does it actually give the poem? I suppose it is a kind of pathetic fallacy(look this phrase up if you are unsure of its meaning) with regards to the imagery and metaphor i find it cliched i am afraid. it is possible to approach traditional imagery and themes in an origianal way if it is done with integrity and conviction. my own poetry is a kind of modernist revival. if you are serious about learning about verse and improving your own i can suggest aa few books and essays particularly by Pound, Eliot and D H Lawrence.
Part of my contempt for contemporary poetry comes from its over-reliance on the anecdotal and i think a return to the high-modernist elitism cn only be a good thing...... |
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