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Posted by
on Sunday, February 06 @ 05:02:58 UTC
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: The mermaid
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on Sunday, February 06 @ 05:02:58 UTC
jazz writes:: " beautiful stranger,
climb into the boat with me,
the fresh air runs through your hair,
let the wind set you free,
the ship slowly rocks and dances on the water as we leave the bay,
the shore twinkles in the suns reflection,
in this paridise i wish i could stay,
the trees turn to pinpricks,
the rocks a dot on the horizon,
conversation is fluent,
im glad you didnt pass m by,
then i look into your eyes,
then look at my clothes in shame,
im heardly dressed to be worthy of you,
but i guess your dressed the same,
im only this little boat was a cruise,
or atleast we could have is a bottle of wine,
staring up into the pink paintings in the sky,
then you wriggle to my side and say you are mine,
then you tell me a secret,
then leap into the wter promising you will return,
you must relavish yourself,
or in the sun you could burn,
your legs float the top then gleam with green,
slowly your skin moulds into a tail,
now i see what you mean,
you are a mermaid,
a beautiful maiden of the sea,
you give me a pearl in your twin pearl necklace,
you say you will someday come back for me...
"
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Re: The mermaid (Score: 1)
by BlackWidow on Sunday, February 06 @ 06:09:56 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | As i said before i could really see that and i liked how it didn't ryhme all the time like some poems
and you kept it interesting and you kept the lines long and they all made sense!
Well done |
Re: The mermaid (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Sunday, February 06 @ 14:08:06 UTC | | Jazz, I would like you to rework this a bit. For example, I would suggest: If only this little boat was a cruise, We could share a bottle of wine. Delete a couple of the thens, you don't need them all. The pearl should come from the necklace not in it. Be careful of the spelling of hardly and you're and your. Your poem will be better with more attention to the detail. |
Re: The mermaid (Score: 1)
by lucky13 on Sunday, February 06 @ 23:36:17 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | Jazz,
You probably wrote this in a hurry, which is why you have a spelling errors. I loved the imagery of this poem. Anyways, there's only one thing I didn't like the "then". there are too many of them. Any how I believe your a true poet indeed. |
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