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More Previous Poetry
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Posted by
on Monday, February 14 @ 16:40:27 UTC
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: Please read
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on Monday, February 14 @ 16:40:27 UTC
incoherentgirl writes:: "
A broken mirror
her end drew nearer.
A distorted face
that she couldn't erase.
A young girl's heart
got ripped apart.
An innocent life
lost the fight.
A young girl's life was shattered
cause noone thought it mattered.
A young girl tried to scream
but nobody heard a thing.
A young girl's dreams
will never be seen.
All these things are left unseen
A young girl's life
was lost last night
but noone will mind
cause it was just
another suicide.
Her words were as
useless as a bird
caged by its own relenting worth.
Nobody heard those words
that could of saved her from this hurt.
Regreting her birth
she was slowly leaving this earth.
Nobody wanted to hear her
when she said
that her end was drawing nearer.
A young girl's life
was lost last night
but noone will mind
cause it was just
another suicide.
"
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Re: Please read (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Monday, February 14 @ 18:08:42 UTC | watch out for grammer mistakes, "cause" is really wierd to read, it detracts from the flow of this piece."could of saved her from this hurt" the "of" for instance should be "have"
The poem itself sounded superficial because of the rhyming scheme. you tried to put yourself in the position of the victim in suicide and then tried to rhyme...its obvious...try to be less obvious. maybe think over your scheme of words, talk to someone perhaps, that you know who has gone through suicide attempts or talk to any one of these people and they will be glad to help you on empathizing.
I myself can give you some insight.
good job though
Elinor(oroborous, email: burningbright2@aol.com)
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Re: Please read (Score: 1)
by MusicalPoet on Monday, February 14 @ 18:33:16 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Agree with Elinor, check your grammar. But, other than that, I think it was a very well written piece. Captures the sadness of the every day occurance of suicide. Keep it up. |
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Poem's Rating
Average Score: 0
Votes: 0
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