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Posted by
on Wednesday, March 23 @ 14:34:07 UTC
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: the way i thought
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on Wednesday, March 23 @ 14:34:07 UTC
eressea writes:: " the way i thought,
it would be no big deal...
everything was going just as planned...
things were beautiful, even when the sun was shining...
things were grand, and we were somewhere...
yeah, the way i thought,
it would be no big deal...
clouds came and rain followed,
and so did everything else...
plans dropped and
shattered like delicate glass,
and with it fell thoughts i had of the most
delicate of them all.
(but i can't really say here)
fallen, and now i have fallen...
picking myself up will be harder than i thought,
but not so hard as i thought,
initially.
you came into the picture,
and that just had to spell disaster.
i'm not too sure about that, yet,
but with the way things are,
there will be two disasters on my hands...
you and me,
or not you and me.
me, looking at you walk on by.
say hi, and for a moment i just stare,
trying to see without my glasses on.
closer, and then it all comes into focus.
you and me stand there and it is misty about the air.
shivering and you ask if i'm cold.
yes.
i'm cold.
are you going to do anything about it?
"
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Re: the way i thought (Score: 1)
by BodhiTree (burningbright2@aol.com) on Wednesday, March 23 @ 22:41:31 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | The notion you are trying to convey is about getting someones attention. I could extract that from this eratic poem, its quite amazing i could. This poem is really incongruous therefore my best advice is to read it outloud to yourself and to see what i am saying. Also, I think that you focused a bit to much on the rhyming scheme. The rhyming parts dont seem to make sense in the poem, they seem to be put in the beginning as an attempt to make your poem more fluid....unfortunately, this attempt detracted from your meaning. I find it easier to just write, sometimes I rhyme, mostly, i dont. The reason, rhyming gets in the way. However, if you feel you want to rhyme, write the poem out first, then go back and start making lines rhyme...this way you make more sense.
good luck
Elinor |
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Poem's Rating
Average Score: 0
Votes: 0
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