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More Previous Poetry
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Posted by
on Wednesday, April 20 @ 16:53:21 UTC
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: Jimmys' Dead, hes' 12 years old...
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on Wednesday, April 20 @ 16:53:21 UTC
maria writes:: " Jimmy-Joe was twelve years old,
when he committed his first murder,
his mum had ten relationships,
who pushed her passed the border,
she took a pill and then a hundred,
followed by a bottle of gin,
she wrote a note to Jimmys dad,
asking to take Jimmy-Joe in,
in denial he returned her post,
but within that time she was dead,
so Jimmy crept into fathers house,
and decomposed his head,
he took his fathers gun and wallet,
and made his way to the train,
he felt excitement as he travelled south,
with murder upon his brain,
Just twelve years old and on his own
Jimmy knows he's on the run,
He looks around at the busy station,
and pulls out his fathers gun,
he holds it up so people see,
but everyone is now screaming,
he pulls the trigger once, then twice,
then wonders' if hes dreaming,
Police swoop in and and shoot at Jimmy,
as he tries to leave the station,
to let them aware of a killer boy,
a news flash tells the nation,
Jimmy escapes with a sore leg,
'blood streaming down his thigh,
but as he turns to nab a bike,
a copper shoots him in the eye.
Now Jimmys' dead, hes' 12 years old,
he was still only a mere little boy,
It werent his fault, he didnt know,
that guns were not a toy.
"
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Re: Jimmys' Dead, hes' 12 years old... (Score: 1)
by BodhiTree (burningbright2@aol.com) on Friday, April 22 @ 15:46:04 UTC
(User Info | Send a Message) | can you believe it, 210 reads and you get no replies? (you got to love it)
I think that the flow and the rhyming scheme are good. however, sometimes lines can sound a bit contrived, like, "werent his fault" that isnt exactly grammically correct, maybe change it so it is. unless that was purposeful.
I like the message of this poem, that parental negligence is dangerous. how we have become inert toward violence, so much that a child isnt aware of his crime, finding it a game, something he watched on television or saw in a video game, no doubt that made it seem "not that bad".
good job
Elinor |
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Poem's Rating
Average Score: 5
Votes: 2
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